thispageonthe.net

Well, here’s another site I’ve been working on and thinking about for a long time. The first domain name I ever bought now has a new face along with my release of past mixes.

At present, I’ve released two mixes, but there are a good few more to come, over the coming weeks, or months. Have a look and let me know what you think, djgarner.co.uk

After many months of discussion (most of it whilst taking driving lessons), along with some tedious issues in domain transfer, the brand new face of Achieve School of Motoring is up and running.

Anyone looking to begin lesson, I would highly recommend Kevin and his brand new 1.2l Vauxhall Corsa. Lessons are currently £20 per hour for students/unemployed and £21 per hour for anyone else.

Kevin will take you through the basics and further, progressing only once you are competent with the skills required. Once you complete your test, it is also possible to take the Pass Plus course, giving you a more advanced driving skill set with a minimum of 6 hours extra tuition, all with the bonus of not having to sit another test.

Head over there to find out more - http://www.achievesom.co.uk

Due to the development of a CMS for my current employer, I’ve decided I’m going to be junking WP and replacing the entire site, along with some of my other sites, with my creation.

There is still quite a way to go yet before it is completed, but it shouldn’t be too long now.

….but this is just fantastic. Makes me giggle every time.

Colour in pictures!

Dear America
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to embrace football, produce proper cars and elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2010. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out the following task. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not
‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s
Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

So, someone showed me these video’s and one can’t help themselves to fall about laughing.

The first is from the Secret Policeman’s Ball in 2006, the second a James Blunt parody and the third, Jebs Jobs to which I can only give you a link. Hope you like

so what - who gives a f*ck

it’s my birthday on monday, I got the day off work, naturally only because its a bank holiday, though I am a year older :S

What a load of bollocks yet again. Thankfully I missed the performances, but had to endure the results. The UK obviously still doing shit following the misguided “lets go to war” by a so called intelligent political figure! Anyway, after having obtained a copy of the Eurovision Album (not for me though, I’m not quite that sad!), I must say some aren’t that bad, however, how can a song that’s sung in a foreign language win the damn competition? It’s all just fucking retarded!

On the grounds that half of them cant sing, the rest you can’t understand, I move for the motion that you MUST sing in English and that if you share a border with another country, you cannot vote for them (water borders do not count), hence Britain couldn’t vote for Ireland, but could vote for any other country.

I believe that these new rules would make things a lot fairer and we would see a lot less shit on the telly! I suppose I can’t complain at paying for a TV licence when we have the great Terry Wogan to take the piss out of everyone along with the added bonus of “press the red button to sing along!”. I would love to know, how many retards push the red button to see what they’re singing? Sad bastards, vote for the singing and the tune, not the words! Isreal nearly had it all right, but I’m guessing their entry of “Push The Button“, all about nuclear weapons, didn’t get through because it was in English. It’s one good reason to sing in your own language I suppose

Surely Britains entry is just the sort of shit you’d expect to win, but instead, all thanks to Tony Blair for screwing the country over. Can you find anything wrong with this, the UK’s entry “Flying The Flag” by Scooch? (Exceptions being that they can’t sing, appeal to the wrong audience and didn’t do well anyway when the released singles in the 90’s!

Just for all the sad bastards that missed it, or if you have any need to gloat, here’s the full table of results. Please note: I’m keeping track of everyone who clicks this link, YOU SAD BASTARD!!!!